Why It Matters

Driving in to work this morning, I thought about this journal blog. I thought about a lot of things. I also had a fantasy about her that caused a flood. I thought also about why this issue matters to me so much, why can't I just push this part of me aside and ignore it.

I've never experienced this. In relationships, whether they were a weekend-stand or longer term, I've never experienced my sexuality as something outside of me, with its own life support system. I'm single, and you'd think, if you happened upon this, that being single could mean going from person to person and experience whatever the hell you wanted to. I could, if this wasn't so powerful and personal for me.

Some of the things rolling in my head are intensely personal. For me, that requires that I trust the person I'm exploring this with. And I trust her with this side of me. During the fuckbuddy dance, we left our mutual body issues outside the door, and just let loose with each other. We allowed ourselves to just experience each other without judgment, without baggage. That may be something the rest of the planet does with abandon, but I've never experienced sex like that before. It's either been mine or my partner's issues in bed with us. And since I trust her, I feel safe exploring this side of myself with her.

If she doesn't wish to open the door, she would be justified. I wasn't fair to her, and it makes me crazy that I was so stupid. If she doesn't, there are alternatives, but they're bothersome. There's the part about only wanting to have sex, which wouldn't be fair to someone else if they wanted a relationship, but there's the trust. I think it's possible that once this settles some, that I could do that. But this matters so much because it's happening now, and I don't want to wait for it to settle. I've spent a fourth of my life running from people, and now that I've opened this floodgate I can't close it so easily.

Those are the highly emotional sides of this. Then there's the reality. The reality that the door is closed because of my stupidity. It makes me deeply sad that I've created a situation that is double-sided: the freeing feeling of finding something new and amazing about myself, and the reality that I need to crush it down until it stops breathing, so that I can continue to breathe.