An exchange of fantasies has turned into a further catastrophe. She tells me she fucked him. He, the one who is such an unbelievable shitbag. Arrogant, can't-do-his-job-if-someone-did-it-for-him, shitbag. He can't keep up with her intellectually, but he's arrogant enough and someone not paying attention might believe he could. Two mutual friends told me once they went out with him (with others) socially, before he started seeing her, and were appalled at his arrogance an lack of knowledge, in spite of telling everyone there how much he did know. People were embarrassed for him. People are always embarrassed by him, but he doesn't know it, and apparently she doesn't either, or doesn't care. Astoundingly, this doesn't matter to her. She says he makes her ache. What clearer message do I need, because I clearly don't do that to her. Everything I've gone through with this, every awakening, every image, has been trashed. I'm monumentally stupid. I have had dreams, bad ones, about him and her, while she was still seeing him. Those dreams made me want to get as far away from her as possible, because there was a train headed right for her, and you can't make someone see the train in their tracks. They have to be hit, and all you can do is comfort them when they're recovering. The same could be said about my friends with me.
And yet...
I still want the door open, but I want it with conditions. I want her to follow through and actually give a shit about herself and find out why she's still doing this, like she said at one time she was going to.
But really, what it comes down to, is I want her to want me. "Let us know how that works out for you, eh."
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