Killing off the sexual side of me has been awful. It's so emotional, it's stupid. I can't look at anything sexual, because I don't want to be turned on. She sent me something yesterday that made me so turned on, and I couldn't help myself. That's only the third time since the fuckbuddy dance that I've allowed that. I'm trying to make it go away, and it just won't.
I made plans to go to Pride with a few friends, and won't be going after all. All those people will have a similar effect on me and I just can't risk it. I hate that I'm hiding again, I hid for so many years, but for different reasons. But the reasons don't really matter when you hide, the result of isolation is still the same. I'm focusing on things like cleaning, logistics, work. I notice though, that my heart feels heavy with the idea that I have to give up one thing in order to have another. At my age, I want more. Once I kill this off, and hide it away, I don't know that I can let it out of its cage again. This is too hard. So to speak.
No comments:
Post a Comment